


Feel Something

by LeighhVanMonroeXx



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove Redemption, Caring Billy Hargrove, Drug Addiction, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Kindred Spirits, Love Confessions, No Sex, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Probably a lot more tags, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Song Lyrics, Suicide Attempt, These are just the important ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 16:27:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19834057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeighhVanMonroeXx/pseuds/LeighhVanMonroeXx
Summary: What Billy Hargrove and Aubrey Ayers had was not quite love. But it wasn’t just sex either. They were a balm, a salve to each other, something to ease the pain of their fucked-up lives, a temporary way to forget everything and to feel something other than anger, hatred and pain. They didn’t know what they felt when they were together but they couldn’t deny that there was a connection. Between the illicit high of Marijuana and the intensity of the sex, it quickly became hard to tell exactly what anything was.





	Feel Something

**Author's Note:**

> It's been so bloody long since I've written anything this long and since I've written something that has zero explicit sex in it. I've only marked it as Explicit due to the descriptions of drugs, suicide and abuse mentioned throughout. Better safe than sorry! 
> 
> Anyway, I've only just hopped onto the Stranger Things bandwagon - binge watched it all in like a week, totally obsessed, came up with this. Taken me two weeks to write. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, I used the actress Louise Dylan and her character Ella Bowe from the TV series "Whitechapel" as my face claim for Aubrey Ayers. I'm not positive if the picture is showing up, but if your right click and open in a new tab, it should come up with the link! ^_^

__

_“I’ve been leaving my heart in all the wrong places. Took it back way too soon when I should have been patient. I built all these walls so no one could break in. Truth is I miss those nights when my heart could be naked.”_

What Billy Hargrove and Aubrey Ayers had was not quite love. But it wasn’t just sex either. They were a balm, a salve to each other, something to ease the pain of their fucked-up lives, a temporary way to forget everything and to feel something other than anger, hatred and pain. They didn’t know what they felt when they were together but they couldn’t deny that there was a connection. Between the illicit high of Marijuana and the intensity of the sex, it quickly became hard to tell exactly what anything was. The whole cocktail of drugs and emotion was enough to confuse anyone. Billy and Aubrey didn’t have a typical, healthy relationship. They weren’t capable of one. Billy was an arrogant and unpredictable man who picked fights with those weaker than him. Aubrey was a cold, closed off girl who shoplifted and sold drugs to anyone who wanted them. They were bad people – bad for each other and bad for everyone else. But none of that matter when they were together. All that mattered was that together, they had the chance to feel something other than numbness. Did they care about each other? Of course, they did. Everything they told each other; it was all confidential. Nothing left the cabin. They’d seen each other’s injuries, heard each other’s stories and hadn’t run away screaming. They’d laughed together when they were high, they’d held each other when they cried. Nobody had ever seen them vulnerable before and nobody else ever would. Billy and Aubrey protected each other from the world in whatever way they could. In school, they never spoke to each other; didn’t even acknowledge each other’s existence. Nobody suspected a thing and that was how they wanted to keep it. It was their little secret.

It started when Billy came to buy weed from Aubrey. He’d only been at Hawkins High School for about a week and he had already started trying to get pot connections. Word had obviously reached him quickly about Aubrey Ayers and her cabin by the quarry because one Friday afternoon he showed up, paid and left. Just another business transaction. Nothing else. Billy did that every Friday like clockwork for the best part of three month. That all changed one week. He showed up to buy on Friday evening as always and saw Aubrey sporting a black eye and thick, dark bruises on her neck. Of course, all her other customers that afternoon had seen her sporting the bruises but they didn’t give a damn. As long as they got their weekly fix, they didn’t give a shit about why an eighteen-year-old girl was covered in bruises. None of their business. Billy was different. He immediately looked concerned and started asking questions – too many questions. Aubrey gave him his fix and told him to fuck off before leaving. She didn’t even take his money. She just wanted to avoid the whole situation. The following week at school, he caught he at the beginning of English class and asked again. He got the exact same response from Aubrey. Billy asked her again every single day that week and got the same answer every single time – that was until Thursday when he wouldn’t stop pushing for an answer. Aubrey snapped and punched him in the face. Everyone was talking about it the next day – ‘Aubrey Ayers, the girl who broke Billy Hargrove’s nose and lived to tell the tale.’ He didn’t show up for school that day, and part of Aubrey felt guilty about that. But then he showed up at the cabin, same time as always. She felt annoyed at first when she saw him – he wasn’t sporting a bandage so she hadn’t broken his nose after all. There went her street cred. He came towards her, a determined and dark look in his eye. He shoved Aubrey into the cabin so hard she fell over and locked the door behind them.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” Aubrey yelled at him as she stumbled over the table.

“You are not leaving this cabin until you tell me what the fuck is going on with you. You show up covered in bruises and expect me not to ask how it happened?” Billy demanded. Aubrey chuckled darkly and ran a hand through her bleached blonde locks.

“I fell down the stairs, ok?” She replied with a smirk. Billy chuckled and rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t know that stairs could leave finger shaped bruises.” He folded his arms across his chest and winced a little. Aubrey spotted that immediately. It was only a momentary thing – a small groan and a flash of pain, but she saw it all the same.

“Why do you even care? You don’t know me, Billy Hargrove. All I am is your drug dealer and some chick you go to school with. You don’t need to pretend to give a fuck.” Aubrey replied, folding her own arms across her chest.

“I’m not pretending.” Billy sighed and looked away for a moment. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Aubrey rose a brow and gave him a questioning look. What the fuck was he talking about? She leaned back, resting against the table and gestured for him to go ahead. Billy dropped his arms and slowly lifted up his vest top. Normally, Aubrey would have just allowed herself to be distracted by those perfectly formed abs, but as he lifted the shirt higher, she understood why he kept pushing her for an answer. Billy’s ribs and chest were patched with bruises in various stages of healing. The purples, reds, blues and yellows spread over the tanned flesh like a macabre painting.

“I’ve seen bruises like that before. That’s why I was asking. My old man…he has anger issues and he takes it out on me. Before me, he hit my mom. Then she walked out on us, couldn’t take it anymore. I always tried to stop him…” Billy lowered his shirt and cleared his throat. “I asked you, because if someone is doing the same to you…I don’t know, I guess I wanted to say that you can talk to me about it. You’re not alone, Aubrey. I know what it’s like to go through it alone. I don’t want you to be the same.” Billy offered her a small, sentimental smile. That was an expression she never thought she’d see on his face. Again, it was only there for a split second, but the sentiment was not wasted. Part of Aubrey, some small part of her that she kept hidden away, wanted to run to him, fall into his arms and just cry. But that bigger part of Aubrey refused to let that happen. Over the years she had built up walls, refused to let anyone in. She became cold and closed off from everyone. That wasn’t going to stop now.

“Well, I’m damn sorry to hear about that, Billy, truly I am. But I’m fine. I don’t need your sympathy and I don’t need your pity.” Aubrey’s words were like ice. Conceal, don’t feel. That was her motto. If she let Billy in, he wouldn’t understand. He’d think she was disgusting. He’d ridicule her.

Billy soon realised that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with her, not today anyway. He left the cabin, leaving Aubrey to collapse onto the floor in tears. Billy heard her, but chose to leave her alone. She’d tell him when she was ready to. The sudden burst of emotion pushed Aubrey over the edge. She pulled her rucksack over to her and gathered a small medicine box from inside. The box contained various objects – razor blades, scalpel blades, small scissors – anything sharp. It also contained a small bottle of iodine and a pack of cotton pads. Aubrey was very particular about the way she did this. Never too deep, never downwards and always cleaned with iodine after. She set the box before her and took out one of the scalpel blades, admiring it in the light for a moment before tapping the tip against her finger. It drew blood. Perfect. She rolled up the sleeve of her black hoodie, tracing her fingers over the healed scars already etched into her skin before dragging the blade across her forearm. It stung. It stung beautifully and Aubrey winced and whimpered in pain, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks as she continued to drag the blade across her skin three more times before cleaning them with the iodine.

_“I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. If it’s never enough, at least it’s better than nothing. After everyone I’ve lost and every kiss I’ve wasted, I don’t need to feel love, I just wanna feel something. I just wanna feel.”_

After that week, things went back to normal. Billy left Aubrey alone at school and when he came to get his weekly fix, he never said a word to her. He just showed up, paid and left. That was the norm for another month. Then one Friday when Billy showed up to collect, Aubrey had another black eye, a busted lip and more bruising on her neck. She looked noticeably shaken, almost on the brink of tears. As he got closer, he could see her pupils were fully dilated and her eyes were red – she was already high. She went inside the cabin with him without protest this time. They sat on the floor in silence for what seemed like hours, the only communication between them was quick glances when they passed a joint to each other until Billy spoke up.

“Talk to me, Aubrey…please…” His voice was soft and kind – something she wasn’t used to from Billy Hargrove, the man who left Steve Harrison in a bloody mess at a party not that long ago, the man who tried to run three kids over just because one of them talked to his sister. This was an entirely different side of him and Aubrey didn’t know what to make of it.

“I can’t Billy…you won’t understand…” Aubrey replied quietly, tugging on the sleeves of her hoody.

“Then show me. Tell me. Help me understand, Aubrey. Please.” He reached over and touched her hand. Aubrey flinched at the contact and it didn’t go unnoticed by Billy. “It’s your father, isn’t it? He’s the one doing this to you?” Aubrey looked up at him and glared. She wanted to scream at him, tell him he had no fucking right to ask her that. She wanted to deny it, tell him that her father was a lovely man who cared for her and loved her. She wanted to punch him in his stupid, beautiful face again. But instead, she found herself pulling off her hoody. Now she was laid bare, her injuries completely exposed. Pale skin was covered with finger shaped bruises – some old, some fresh. They littered her wrists, her neck, her chest. Forearms and abdomen were littered with scars from years of self-harm, some tiny little nicks, some long and nasty jagged slices. Black tattoos of birds, stars and crosses covered her neck and her shoulders. Billy’s eyes were all over her and, despite the fact she was still fully clothed, Aubrey felt naked under his gaze. Nobody had seen the extent of her abuse before, not even her closest friends, so why she was showing Billy – technically a stranger – she had no idea. She’d blame it on the weed later.

“You want to understand me, Billy? You want to know the whole story...?” Aubrey asked, her tone still bitterly cynical. Billy nodded softly and gave her an encouraging little smile. He could see the pain in her eyes. No matter how hard she tried to hide it, it was something Billy was all too familiar with. The cold, bitter attitude, the anger and the violence were all methods he used to hide the pain. Billy hid his truth through popularity, through seduction and through violence. Aubrey hid hers through makeup, through drugs and through the wall she built around her emotions. Aubrey pulled her knees up to her chest, refused to look him in the eye.

“It wasn’t always like this. At first, I had a happy childhood, real nostalgia shit. My dad was a pilot, my mom was a teacher. We were happy. Then I turned 10. The first time it happened, my mom was downstairs watching ‘Happy Days’ with my older sister, Margot. I know because I remember hearing the theme music. My dad…he came into my room when the lights were out…and he knelt by my bedside and he told me that I was growing up now, becoming a young woman and that soon I’d have boyfriends…and he wanted me to be prepared for that. He wanted to…help me, so I knew how to enjoy it. And then he put his hand under the covers and…”

Aubrey shrugged her shoulders a little and let out a weak, broken chuckle. “Did what a boyfriend might do…and he did that every Saturday night for about a year. And then one day when I was having lunch…I finally told my mom that he…did things to me when she and Margot were downstairs. I remember her peeling potatoes at the sink…she never even stopped. She never turned to me, never said anything…and five minutes later she told me to go upstairs and finish my homework. I wondered at first if she hadn’t been listening, but that night she came upstairs…and she was folding clothes and tidying for about an hour after I went to bed. Of course, he never came near me. She did that every night for about six months and then she just stopped. Then when she and my sister went to the cinema a few weeks later…he raped me for the first time…and I remember asking him if he did the same to Margot when she was my age and he said no, no…it was just me…because I was special…I was special…” Aubrey’s voice broke and tears began falling down her cheeks, pulling little trails of black eyeliner and mascara with them.

“He raped me eight more times between the ages of ten and fifteen…then just after my fifteenth birthday, my mom and Margot died in a car crash. After that, dad just…he just lost it. He started drinking…heavily…he lost his job and his pilot’s licence…and he took it out on me. He raped me seven more times that year. I wasn’t dealing with any of it. I’d started cutting myself, smoking cigarettes and pot. I got into fights with my friends and my grades started slipping. I had a total breakdown. I got tattoos, pierced my ears, my nose, my lip…my eyebrow…I cut my hair and bleached the shit out of it. That really pissed my dad off…but he stopped raping me. I remember coming home after doing all that to myself and he flipped…told me I didn’t look like his little girl anymore. So, he hit me instead. Whenever he drank too much, if he was angry or annoyed…any reason at all or no reason at all. The bruises you saw when you first asked? I got home five minutes late on Thursday night. I’d been putting flowers on my mom and Margot’s graves.” Aubrey wiped her eyes and let out a dark chuckle.

“So, there you go, Billy. That’s my story. That’s why Aubrey Ayers is the way she is, why she’s sometimes covered in bruises, why sometimes she wears way too much makeup and baggy clothes that hide every possible inch of flesh…and mostly, Billy…it’s why I’m so fucking angry…all the time…” It was all too much. Aubrey broke down into floods of tears. Billy immediately shuffled over to her and pulled her into his arms. She balled her fists into his shirt and cried against his chest as Billy stroked her back. He didn’t shush her or say a word, he just held her and let her break down. When Aubrey finally ran out of tears, they lit another joint and sat in silence again.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone...?” Billy eventually asked as he reached over to take the joint back. Aubrey exhaled and shrugged a little.

“My own mother didn’t believe me. Why would anyone else?” She replied. “I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve stood outside the police station ready to tell them and then I’ve thought about all the things they’d say to me. ‘First your father loses his wife and his oldest daughter, then he loses his job and now you accuse him of raping you?’ They’d call me disgusting…a liar…”

“So, you just…bottle it up…and cut yourself? Why...?”

“Because I want to feel something…anything…as long as it’s on my terms I don’t care what it is. If I control what I feel…it keeps me safe…” She replied and Billy’s heart broke in two all over again. He had been disgusted by what she told him. Not at her, at her father. How could a man do something so twisted and damaging to his own child? It made Billy’s stomach turn and his skin crawl. The thought of a young Aubrey lying in bed, scared and confused was enough to bring tears to his eyes, and the knowledge that now she was spending some of her nights the same way he did made it all the worse. They were one in the same. Billy often wondered why she was one of the only girls in the entire town not fawning over him and flirting with him at every opportunity, why you were always alone around school except for the odd occasional stoner asking for an emergency hook up.

Now he knew.

He’d seen her at a couple of parties, high as a kite and dancing in the crowd like nothing was wrong and now that made sense too. The tattoos and piercings were only where people could see; a cry for attention, but nobody was listening. The cigarettes and the marijuana were practically a scream but still nobody listened. When the cutting started, it might as well have been a punch in the face to everyone in the world but still nothing. When a kid starts rebelling, nobody really asks why or what caused it. They just assume it’s a phase that comes and goes with age. In Aubrey’s case, everyone had just assumed the dramatic change in attitude and appearance were a result of losing her mother and her sister. Even if they did ask and she told them the truth, she’d be accused of lying for attention. There was no winning. Things like child abuse didn’t happen in small, close-knit towns like Hawkins, anyway.

“So…what about you? Your old man does this to you often?” Aubrey asked, taking the joint back from Billy who blew out a cloud of smoke, probably a little more seductively than he meant to.

“More often than I wanna admit to. Last time it was because Max snuck out again and I didn’t notice. I didn’t have a fucking clue where she went and because of that, he hit me. Time before that was because he found my stash, before that because I broke Max’s skateboard…you get the picture.” Billy gave her a weak smile and looked away.

It must have been as hard for Billy to talk about his father as it was for Aubrey. Billy Hargrove always presented himself with an air of dominance and charisma ever since he rocked up at Hawkins High School. Aubrey remembered the first day he started. He pulled up in his blue Camaro, step-sister Max got out and skateboarded away and Billy lit up a cigarette and walked up to the building like he owned the place. Everyone’s heads had been turned by him, including Aubrey’s. She had been sitting on the wall next to the front door, cigarette resting between her fingers. He smirked and winked at her and she'd rolled her eyes at him. Last thing the school needed was another arrogant pretty boy. They already had Steve Harrington. It was hard to believe that the same cocky, suave asshole was the sweet, encouraging guy sharing a joint with her right now. Just like herself, the attitude was all a mask, a façade to fool the world into thinking everything was fine when in reality, everything was far from fine.

“Why?” Aubrey asked him, prompting a slightly confused look from Billy. “Why do all this? Tell me your story, listen to mine? I don’t get it.” Billy gave her a small smile and reached out to take her hand. This time, Aubrey didn’t flinch.

“Maybe I’m just tired of being lonely.”

_“I’ve waited so long to feel like I’m worthy. Find someone who could rewrite the pages I’m turning. I’ve grown with the pain and bathed in the lonely. All I want in this moment is someone to hold me…”_

That was how it all started – that unconventional relationship they had. The truth really did open up doors. They never spoke around school or around town. All communication was reserved for the quarry cabin. The conversations weren’t all misery and pain. After a while, they started to strip back the layers more and more. Billy told her about his childhood growing up in California and about his love for surfing. He told her about his mother and how she had been so supportive of him. She sounded so lovely. Aubrey could see why Billy had idolised her as a child. It completely broke him when she walked out on him, leaving him alone with his abusive father. At least he did have a mother somewhere out there who loved him. It was more than Aubrey had. She told Billy about how she loved to paint, that her tattoos were her own designs. She revealed more of her body art to him: two black stars, one each hip, a skull similar to Billy’s on her right thigh which masked a string of self-harm scars and a small, black raven on her left ankle. He traced his fingers over each design ever so gently. That was the first time that she didn’t flinch when he touched her. His blue eyes stayed locked to her own as he took her hand, lifting her left wrist to his lips. Billy began to press gentle kisses over the scars there but quickly stopped when she winced in pain. She’d said something about not romanticising self-harm and reminded him that they ‘hurt like a bitch.’ They’d laughed after that.

“You’re a strange one, Billy Hargrove.” Aubrey told him with a soft smile.

“Strange? I’ve been called many things in my life, strange ain’t one of them.” He chuckled.

“You’re just…not what I thought you were…”

“I could say the same about you. First time I saw you sitting on that wall I just thought you were another dark, moody punk.” Billy smirked and chuckled at the little scoff he got from Aubrey.

“And I thought you were just another shallow, pretty boy with anger issues.” Billy laughed and grinned at her.

“Aww, you think I’m pretty?” Aubrey nudged him in the arm and rolled her eyes before laughing softly. Billy noticed a little glimmer in her eyes when she giggled. Fuck, she’s beautiful.

_“I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. If it’s never enough, at least it’s better than nothing. After everyone I’ve lost, and every kiss I’ve wasted, I don’t need to feel love, I just wanna feel something. I just wanna feel.”_

Billy watched as Aubrey pulled out her lighter and lit the joint. It was dark now; the moon was full and casting a bright light over the water of the quarry. She took a long drag and held it for a moment before exhaling slowly. She giggled and passed it over to Billy. He’d become accustom to the little giggles she made when the stuff was particularly good. Aubrey was a giggly stoner and it was adorable. He held the joint between his thumb and forefinger and just spent a moment staring at her. She was swaying softly, humming something that sounded like Motley Crue. He reached over and ran his fingers over her jawline. Aubrey turned her head, still smiling as he leaned in to kiss her.

“What…are you doing?” Aubrey turned her head away and laughed softly.

“I want you, Aubrey…” Billy replied quietly. Aubrey reached over and took the joint from him, taking another long drag. She exhaled slowly and Billy inhaled the strong smoke. He took it back from her and inhaled, slowly and seductively exhaling before licking his lips. They stared at each other for a moment before they both broke down laughing.

“I want you too, Billy Hargrove.” Aubrey grinned at him. Maybe it was the drugs fucking with her mind, maybe it was the fact she hadn’t felt a genuine human connection or kind touch for so long, but Aubrey found herself shuffling closer to him, capturing his lips again in a passionate, desperate kiss.

That was the first time that Billy and Aubrey had sex. It felt different than the other times. It was no secret that Billy slept around – Hell, he hadn’t been in Hawkins long and he’d already had half the girls in his class. Sex with them was just that – sex. It was nothing special. It didn’t mean anything. Aubrey used to sleep with her supplier, Doug until she decided paying him with cash was easier. Doug was a nice guy and all that, but he was just her supplier. It was best to keep her business and personal life separate. She hardly had a positive attitude towards sex, or intimacy in general. But it felt different with Billy. Maybe because they understood each other, maybe because they had a connection. It didn’t matter. The sex quickly just became another way to numb the pain, another way to feel something. They only had one rule: never say ‘I love you.’ This wasn’t about love. It was a risky emotion and would only cause problems and more pain. So, they didn’t love each other. They just fucked and got high.

_“I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. If it’s never enough, at least it’s better than nothing. After everyone I’ve lost and every kiss I’ve wasted, I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. I just wanna feel.”_

Billy watched from the sofa as Aubrey knelt down to tie the laces of her black converse sneakers. He’d been different today. Aubrey couldn’t figure out what it was. He wouldn’t say. But she knew something was wrong. She looked over to him and quirked a brow.

“Can I help you?” She asked, probably a little more aggressively than she would have liked. Billy sat up slowly, and pulled his shirt over his shoulders. He didn’t bother with the buttons. There was an expression on his face that Aubrey couldn’t pinpoint. It was somewhere between conflict and frustration.

“What are we, Aubrey?” Billy asked. There was no real emotion in his voice as he spoke. The question made the blonde chuckle a little and Billy’s look darkened. “No, don’t – don’t fucking laugh, Aubrey. I’m being serious. What are we to each other? Friends? Friends with benefits? Lovers? Because I can’t fucking tell anymore, Aubrey.” The sudden outburst of anger made Aubrey blink a few times and scoff.

“Where the fuck has this come from? It’s the fucking weed, Billy, it’s making you paranoid.” Aubrey replied coldly. “What we have is different…it’s a connection and it’s good, but it’s definitely not love, Billy.”

“So, you’re telling me you don’t feel the same? After everything we’ve been through, you don’t feel anything?” Billy stood up and stopped Aubrey as she started pulling her leather jacket on. He caught her arm and turned her to face him. “You don’t feel anything?” Aubrey’s expression hardened and she shrugged herself from his grip.

“We are bad for each other, don’t you get that, Billy? People like us, we don’t get happy endings. We fuck things up. We hurt people; we destroy things. We are toxic and we always will be!”

“Then let’s be toxic together! Come on, Aubrey, it could go one of two ways: we could be great – prove to everyone that two people so fucked up could do something other than hurt and be hurt, that we are capable of love. Or we could fucking destroy each other. We could tear each other apart in the mot spectacular way. We can hurt each other, break each other, make each other suffer and ruin our lives more than they already are. I don’t give a fuck what I do, as long as I do it with you, Aubrey. You get me, and this,” Billy gestured between them. “This thing between us is more than just drugs and sex and you know it…you fucking know it…” Billy’s face and tone had gone from empty and emotionless to the complete opposite. Aubrey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She bit at her lip ring and dropped her gaze.

“I want to, Billy…I want to love you – I want to let myself love you but I can’t. It’s the only way I know how to survive. Whenever anyone gets close to me, I shut them out.” She replied quietly.

“How can you be so fucking cold?” Billy snapped. Aubrey shot him a harsh glare.

“I have to be! It’s how I stay safe! I can’t afford to be so fucking selfish, Billy!”

“Me? I’m being selfish?! I’m being fucking selfish because I want to love you?!”

“Yes, Billy! You are!”

“Then tell me.” Aubrey blinked a few times and looked questionably at him.

“Tell you what, Billy?” She folded her arms across her chest and turned away from him.

“You look me in the fucking eye and you tell me that you don’t feel the same way – that you don’t love me too. You do that, Aubrey, and I fucking swear that this all ends right now. I drop this, and we go back to what we used to be.” Billy demanded. Aubrey hesitated for a moment before turning back to him. Her expression was cold, void of any emotion at all.

“I don’t love you, Billy. I never have and I never will.” She replied rather bluntly. “You are a violent, vain, asshole and I’m a fucked up, closed off drug dealer. Neither of us are capable of loving or being loved and the sooner you get that through your thick skull the better.” Aubrey’s words were like venom and ice in Billy’s ears. After everything that had happened between them, how could she still be so shut off? Billy chuckled and smirked, gave her a little sarcastic round of applause.

“Bravo, Aubrey. Fucking bravo, there we have it. The fucking ice queen herself. You really are one cold-hearted bitch, Aubrey Ayers. When your old man fucked you up, my God he really did one Hell of a number on you.” Billy snapped and grabbed his jacket, pulling it onto his shoulders before storming out of the cabin, slamming the door behind him. The next thing Aubrey heard was the roar of the engine and the tires of Billy’s Camaro skidding as he drove away from the cabin; away from her.

Once again, Aubrey Ayers was without a friend in the world. She was all alone again.

_“I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. If it’s never enough, at least it’s better than nothing. After everyone I’ve lost and every kiss I’ve wasted, I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. I just wanna feel.”_

It really fucking sucked when Billy had to admit that he was wrong. He’d gone back home, argued with his father and gotten a fist to the gut for it. Whilst he was sulking in his room, he realised that he shouldn’t have yelled at Aubrey the way he had. He shouldn’t have called her a cold-hearted bitch and he definitely shouldn’t have said what he had about her father. She didn’t deserve that. He needed to apologise. He’d snuck out of his house and drove to her street, parked at the end of the road and waited. It was a Friday night so Sonny Ayers would be heading out to drink at the bar. Come 10pm, Sonny’s came out of the house and got in his car, quickly heading off towards town. Billy remained in his car a little longer just in case Sonny came back, if he had forgotten anything. Half an hour passed and he hadn’t returned so Billy took the chance to head over to the Ayer’s residence. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to say, even as he knocked on the door. He’d say sorry, of course, say he was an asshole, an inconsiderate, hot-headed prick. Another series of knocks on the door. Still no answer. Maybe Aubrey saw it was him and was refusing to answer. After all, who could blame her? He was an asshole. But Billy waited a little longer and tried not to get frustrated. Any sane person would have blown their top and gone home by now, but not Billy. He needed to see her now. So instead of doing the sensible thing and going home, Billy headed around the back of the property, smiling when he saw the open upstairs window.

He was quick and careful to climb up the trellis – years of practice sneaking in and out of lover’s bedrooms finally came to good us. Once up and inside, Billy found himself standing in a bedroom. Aubrey’s bedroom. Definitely not the way he wanted his first viewing of it to be. It wasn’t quite what he expected – then again with a girl like Aubrey, nothing was to be expected. He expected a mess – clothes strewn over the floor, things in messy piles, crumbled bits of paper, empty drinks bottles, things like that. Instead, her room was practically immaculate; books and ornaments perfectly organised on shelves, vinyl records stacked in neat piles, makeup perfectly organised on the dressing table, walls plastered with photographs of friends and posters – Motley Crue, ACDC, Alice Cooper, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden. Her deep purple bed was neatly made, topped with black scatter cushions and soft toys. For someone who self-confessed as messed up, Aubrey really liked to keep things organised. He could see the logic behind it – her bedroom was her personal space, her safe haven. She wanted to take care of it. Billy couldn’t help but smile as he took a closer look at the soft toys. Teddy bears, a white bunny, a tiger. Sentimental pieces. It was sweet.

The sound of running water pulled Billy back to reality. The door on the far side of the bedroom. Her bathroom. Billy swallowed his pride and crossed the room, hesitating for a moment before gently knocking on the door.

“Aubrey...? Aubrey it’s me…it’s Billy.” No response from the bathroom. “Look, I know you’re still probably mad at me, probably more because I’ve technically broken into your house, but…I guess I’ve come to apologise to you. I was out of order earlier with what I said to you, total asshole. I shouldn’t have said what I did, especially the bit about your dad, that was a dick move…and you’re not a cold-hearted bitch, Aubrey…you…you’re amazing. You’re fucking incredible. And I’m really sorry for springing the whole ‘I love you’ thing on you, I really shouldn’t have.” Still no response. Just running water and silence. “Aubrey, I know you’re in there…” Billy knocked on the door again, this time a little harder. The door was unlocked. It crept open with a little squeak; steam danced in the light of the small bathroom. Billy pushed the door open a little further and what he saw broke his heart: Aubrey was slumped in the corner of the shower, knees pulled up to her chest, arms either side of her. The water poured down on her, washing two rivers of blood down the drain. Her wrists were cut open – two big, deep slashes, one across each wrist. She was drained of her colour, much paler than she usually was. Billy ran over to her and gathered her into his arms.

“No! No, fuck, Aubrey!” He had tears rolling down his cheeks as he cradled her. He took a second to turn off the water and pulled her closer.

“Help! Someone please help me!” Billy shouted out, definitely loud enough for one of the neighbours to hear him. “Hold on, Aubrey…please hold on…” Billy begged through tears. By the time help came, Billy’s clothes were soaked through and Aubrey was barely alive.

_“I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. If it’s never enough, at least it’s better than nothing. After everyone I’ve lost and every kiss I’ve wasted, I don’t need to feel love. I just wanna feel something. I just wanna feel.”_

Aubrey shouldn’t have been here. She should have been dead. Since her mother and Margot got in that car crash, she’d hated hospitals with an undying passion. The only good thing about hospitals were the drugs, and fuck was the morphine good. It made her head spin, made everything numb. It was almost heavenly; euphoric even. Aubrey wanted to feel this way forever. It was like floating. No pain, no anger, no fear. Just complete weightlessness.

But it wasn’t to last. No high ever did.

A gentle squeeze of her left hand followed by soothing, sweet words. The voice was familiar. Definitely not her father. It took a while through the haze of the morphine, but she heard him now, crystal clear. Billy Hargrove. Blue eyes fluttered open and she squinted and groaned at the sudden intense brightness of the lights.

“Hey there, sleepy head. Nice of you to finally join me.” Billy smiled down at her, clearly happy and relieved to see her finally awake. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting, sleeping beauty?” That little smirk was back on his lips. That was the Billy she knew. Aubrey smiled weakly at him and took a moment to take in everything. She had a morphine drip in her left arm and clean, white bandages around both wrists. There were red roses and a couple of ‘get well soon’ cards on the bedside table as well as a jug of water and an empty glass. And there was Billy. Billy was sat by her side, jacket on the back of his chair. The way he looked told her he’d been here for a while.

“How are you feeling?” He asked. Aubrey groaned a little and cleared her throat before trying to sit upright.

“Like I’ve been pumped full of morphine…” She replied weakly. Her voice was hoarse and strained. Billy stood and poured her a glass of water. Aubrey thanked him before quickly draining the glass. God, she was thirsty.

“Why, Aubrey?” Billy asked softly. “Why did you do it?” Aubrey rolled her eyes and scoffed at the question.

“Does it matter, Billy? Does it really matter? It didn’t work anyway, clearly.”

“Of course it matters. It matters to me.” Billy reached out and took her hand in his. “I thought I was going to lose you…I thought I’d lost you…”

“Well, you didn’t. I’m still here.” Aubrey’s tone was still as cold and cynical as ever. Billy sighed a little and sat back in his seat.

“Come on, Aubrey. Don’t do this, not again. Please…just give me an answer.” Aubrey sighed softly, wincing as she pushed herself upright. She looked away from Billy and for the first time in a while, Billy saw her completely vulnerable.

“I was scared, ok? I am scared. I’m scared to wake up, I’m scared to go to sleep…I’m scared to come home after school, I’m scared of my father…I’m scared that everything you said to me at the cabin is true…and most of all, I’m scared of the way you make me feel, Billy…” Aubrey sucked in a breath and wiped her eyes.

“How I make you feel?” Billy asked with a quirked brow.

“I love you, Billy Hargrove. I love you and that fucking terrifies me. When I’m with you, I feel…happy. I feel safe, wanted…I feel loved. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that without the aid of drugs. The last man I loved ruined my life…I’m so scared that if I let myself love anyone…it’ll happen again.” Aubrey sobbed. Billy smiled sweetly and sat beside her on the bed, pulling her carefully into his arms. She sobbed against his chest and Billy gently rubbed her back.

“I swear Aubrey, I will never do anything to hurt you. I’ll do anything to prove that to you…” Aubrey looked up at him and smiled softly.

“I know you will, Billy…you’re not my father.” Aubrey smiled sweetly at him and rest her head against his chest again.

Sometimes, all it takes is a confession. One confession. Just enough to push things in the right direction. Just enough to make a start of a new life, a new reality. Neither of them brought into the ‘love conquers all’ bullshit, or the ‘all you need is love’ crap bands like The Beatles peddled, but right now, love felt good. Definitely better than anger and hatred. Billy Hargrove loved Aubrey Ayers and she loved him in return. That was all that mattered. Sure, maybe it would be a total disaster, maybe they would both crash and burn. But at least if they did, they would crash and burn together. It didn’t matter what happened anymore, as long as everything they did was together. Being together was all that mattered now.


End file.
